Positive Living with Chronic Fatigue

Creating a full and happy life with Chronic Fatigue.

Stress is naturally also a contributing factor. We humans are built to handle a lot, I'm often stunned by the speed of peoples recovery after car accidents and traumatic events. Just like with setting goals, being focused on yourself  can ensure healing happens faster and recovery is stronger. 

I can now see that I ran my life on adrenalin for about a decade - and because the body keeps score it eventually had to rebalance itself (see the chart above). At the time I felt as if I didn't have a choice, and to some extent that was right, being a parent and running a business is a busy existence. However, I now know that everything is a choice and when I literally thought I was dying all that mattered was getting better and keeping the kids alive and functioning. 

Luckily, I had already created some resilience by having income protection insurance, by getting a flatmate and by taking on a part time wage job. These actions allowed me to take the time I needed to heal without being as worried about money or a roof over our heads. With my flatmate being a dear friend she also supported me by reminding me to rest, and helping with the kids and dinner at times.

The income protection plan also gave me two extra support people (Jeremy Goodman my insurance agent and Heidi from Partners Life) who checked in on me weekly, organised and paid for all the specialists I saw, until they helped me find Ben. So many people tell me they can't afford insurances like income protection, but I've used it twice in my life now (with my previous partner and for my fatigue) and you know what, when you literally can't earn money for months on end - it's worth every single penny!

Ben and I worked together to help me create a safety zone within myself. To begin with I would check in with my body every 5 minutes (I know right!!). I would stop what I was doing and listen, closing my eyes and describing the pain; where it was, how strong it was out of ten and what if felt like (piercing, throbbing, tapping). I would completely focus on the pain – until it changed - and it would. I’d go from; hands 7/10 throbbing as if they’d been smashed onto a concrete floor, to a piercing pain in my left elbow 6/10 that echoed, to a dull stabbing 3/10 in the right side of my head … to nothing.

THAT was the moment, to sit with the pains long enough that they felt heard, and then went away. I would relish in those moments of peace, where there was no pain. Surprisingly this only took a minute to do and after only a few weeks I could extend the ‘check in’ times out to 15 minutes apart, and eventually hourly.

During this time, I slept less and started getting off the couch (finally). I’d have days where I spent 4 hours doing a drawing, or spent a couple of hours in the garden. Eventually I could walk around the block or walk the kids halfway to school. It was exciting to see progress and I felt hopeful that things would eventually return to normal.

Naturally, me being me, I’d push myself too far. I did start working a few hours here and there, and then had to stop again. I did go for a bike ride and then spent 4 days in agony or worse, in bed. But my regular work with Ben was the key, he taught me to truly listen to my body, accept and forgive myself when I over did it, and our in our sessions, he would remind me about my progress.

Over the 18 months we worked together, our sessions grew further apart, becoming more of a gentle reminder than a necessity. We created the idea of the ‘safety zone’ being a little council in my body, the imaginary councillors would sit around a table talking about what was happening. They would remind me that there was no danger, and that I had no need to feel any fear.

Most times this worked well, and I could self-manage listening to the council. Particularly while I was on income protection insurance and had a flatmate and partner living with me, softening the pressures financially. When I started back at work, the lockdowns had finished, and real life kicked back in, was when I needed the reminders and support from Ben.

One particularly stressful event occurred right towards the end of our work together (sadly he moved onto another profession) and I said to him ‘OK, so you’ve taught me how to understand that there’s no ‘tiger at the door’ – but what do I do if there IS actually a tiger at the door?!?’ Once again, we worked together to build in new level of resilience, and the internal council can now remind me, that even in high stress, I’m ok, I’m safe and everything will be fine.

I still feel pain everyday, my eyesight gets considerably worse when I’m tired and I struggle not to wear sunglasses outside (the light hurts my eyes). I work a lot less than I ever have and I spend a lot more time ‘active relaxing’ than I ever have – for me this is drawing, gardening, and walking the dog at the beach.

I would laugh at this point and say so if you’re a normal (non-high functioning) person, then this is what a normal life ‘should’ look like, and you’re probably right. Also, if life is all about balance, then maybe working 70-80 hours per week for 20 odd years means that I really should only be working 20-30 hours now, and maybe even less in the future.

Funnily enough after considering the need for a career change during the height of the illness this has in fact happened. I’ve gone from three weekly networking groups and up to 50 active clients on my business books, to painting 4 murals per year, creating bespoke illustrations and writing books. I love my ‘new’ career, its fulfilling on so many levels, and funnily enough I feel like I can help even more people this way than in the past.

The overarching lesson for me has been twofold; firstly to identify any fear I'm feeling, and work to overcome it, secondly to actively manage the level of stress in my life. This includes work, family and friendships. I have had to create strict boundaries, learn to say no and even cut out friends to make my world safe and healthy.

When I can manage these two factors I'm giving myself the support that, in the past, I needed from others.

I have created a sense of safety and I listen to what my body needs. I don't always get it right (actually I still push myself too far regularly) BUT I do forgive myself, learn and allow the time needed to heal once I've realised.

I am proud to have discovered these ‘key’ to managing my own chronic fatigue. It really is a debilitating illness and I love the ideas that others can utilise these skills in order to live more freely and happily too. 

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Margot Korhonen, an author and creative soul, published "Creating Connected Communities" in 2023, building on her 2009 children's book, "I Grow Vegetables." With over two decades of experience in the not-for-profit sector, she's a mural artist, designer, and marketing expert.

Margot's passion lies in connecting people to make a real difference. She advocates for collaboration between small businesses and communities to create positive change without added stress.